So I have been feeling somewhat unsettled these days for no apparent reason. My life is great. I have a lovely home, a great partner, an awesome son and a job that I love. So why am I struggling to allow myself to experience happiness and joy? Good question, right. Why the emotional teeter totter, when there is so much joy to be had?
As I was journalling earlier, I was filled with self doubt and struggling with feelings of guilt. Do I deserve the life of my dreams? Have I gotten to this place in my life by being selfish, only thinking about my needs and wants? How do I come to terms with and release my guilt about choices I have made and the people, who by my choices may have been hurt?
I AM HAPPY AND DESERVE HAPPINESS. So why am I often doubting and second guessing myself? Is it because I worry about the opinions and judgements of others? Why? Why, is it still so important to me to have the approval of others? How is it that I have done, and continue to do so much work on myself, and yet I still have difficulty accepting myself? How can I be so compassionate and understanding of others, while not offering that same compassion and understanding to myself?
Where does self doubt come from? Is it really just EGO, an illusion?
Over the last two years I have experienced some major life changes and shifts. I left a 10 year relationship with the father of my son. I am in school part time, as the first step toward a career change and I am, in a live in relationship with my first love. We lived very parallel lives for the 26 years that we were apart and although we were apart, without contact for over 2 decades, the connection we have today is as strong and unconditional as it was when we were kids in the eighties. It feels as though, here with him is where I was always meant to be. Now, all of that being said at some level I just feel so unworthy and so undeserving. As I am writing this I am feeling like maybe the answer to these feelings is FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness of self and the choices I have made. The people I have hurt….real or imagined. For the mistakes I have made. All of which, I am grateful for as they have brought me to my life today. I have learned so much and sometimes I forget how far I have come. How much courage I have and how much love and understanding I have to offer.
Life happens! People get hurt. People aren’t always going to understand me or approve of me. That’s o.k. We are all here to fulfill our soul’s purpose. Each one of us has a very special purpose and it is our job to seek out whatever that is and then pursue it with all your heart. No two journeys are the same. My responsibility is finding and honouring my truth, while allowing others to do the same.
Ultimately, I think we are all looking at some level for the same things….LOVE, PEACE, UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE. These, qualities we must first offer ourselves. As the saying goes….CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME!
Affirmation for today: I gently forgive and love myself. I am free to experience joy and happiness. All is well. I am safe.
Thank you all for being here supporting and loving me on my journey. I am grateful. Namaste xo
Wow. You are the second person I have met that within the last 3 years have left their marriage and gotten back together with their high-school or college sweetheart. How beautiful.
Thanks for reading my post Ashley. Life is good. Now if I would just allow myself to enjoy it all. Why is that so hard sometimes?