Lessons in Self-Love and Acceptance…a bit about me

Lessons in Self- Love

Just like many of you I have been experience great changes in my life over the last year.  Many of us have been moving through great shifts for even longer than that.  Think back to about 3 years ago, what was beginning to shift?  What great changes were taking place?  Look how far you have come.  Look at the obstacles you have overcome.  Seriously please take a moment and give yourself some credit for where you sit today.

I say with great confidence that for many your life looks totally different than before.  You feel different and you may even look different.  The people in your life may have changed too.  Some have transitioned to a new state of being, while others may have just drifted away.  Don’t be sad, be glad for the opportunity you had to love them, to share with them and to learn and grow with them.  Trust the rhythms and cycles in your life.

Yet many of us will find it difficult to look back and love what we see.  We often fail to recognize our own beauty, strength, courage, divinity.  Too often we only see how far we have left to go, that destination we have yet to arrive at.  This is what I am guided to write about today.   I feel like I am also being guided to reveal a bit more of myself to you, in the process.

Over the last 3 years of my life, so much has changed.  A long term relationship ended and a new one began.  Truth is they kinda overlapped a wee bit not in a physical yet certainly in an emotional sense.  I moved with my then 6 year old son, just up the street from his fathers.  I was compelled to create as little disruptions in my son’s life and that of his father as well.

The rekindled romance in my life was with my first love, who I hadn’t laid eyes on in 26 years.  When one day what in my little mailbox should appear but a Facebook friend request from one so dear.  That little notification requesting friendship, turned my life as I knew it upside down, inside out and backwards and step me on a new path. Of course it also greatly affected the lives of my son and his dad too.  There was never much doubt in my mind or my heart as to which path I would take.  Yet I was torn, and after leaving the home I had lived in for 7 years, I uprooted and moved up the street into a rental.

The universe knew what it was doing when they guided me here, and for me it was love at first sight.  The added bonus was that the little boy next store was going the goalie on my son’s new hockey team for the upcoming season.  There were from day one fast friends and their friendship and connection grows with each day.

They like to say that they are “brothers from another mother”.  I am so grateful that my son has this friendship in his life.  It is a mutually respectful, caring and beneficial relationship that they share and my hope is that they have cemented a lifelong bond.  They have helped one another through some confusion and difficult times and their courage is admirable.

To say the last few years have been challenging would be an understatement.  Twenty six years is a very long time for two people to be separate, especially when we were mere babes first time around 13/14.  So to say that we changed would also be an understatement.  We lived parallel lives and, as adults.  Although we chose different paths.  I feel strongly that we were always destined to reconnect and the time for that was 2010.

Since that time we have seen our fair share of ups and downs.  I have struggled with guilt and sadness over leaving my former relationship.  Yet, I do not regret the decision to leave, nor does it change the fact that my son’s father is a wonderful man, friend and dad.  He is all of those things and even more.  His live is also one I find very inspiring.  And I hope he is able to look back on his life and give himself many pats on the back for just how far he has come.  A miracle indeed.

We have both struggled to find our place within the relationship.  We both kinda like being in charge, as yet the truth is we never really are, are we.  I am now married and my husband has worked hard to find his footing in the life of my son, as well as that of his fathers.  We have all come to a place where it is comfortable and workable.  If I do say so myself, we have all done a very good job and I have been more that pleased with the connections made and the respect and love shown.

For me personally I have encountered some of the shadow aspects of myself that I thought I had long ago dealt with.  I have seen first-hand how my addictive personality although I wasn’t feeding it, it never completely went away.  My addictions were always just there under the surface.  The one that has come back to bite me in the ass was nicotine.  Yucky, addictive, stinky, breathe zapping cigarettes.  You see I had been off of them of almost 4 years and then one day, I decided to have a puff of one.  That was over 2 years ago and I have been closet smoking ever since.  Whew…now that feels good to get that off of my chest and as I know all too well the first step in breaking a habit.

Considering that up until June 2012 I was teaching 26 fitness classes per week and closet smoking, you may well imagine the inner turmoil that I was experiencing.  You see according to numerology my life path is that of a 36/9.

9 – Integrity and Wisdom

3 – Vision and Acceptance

3 – Expression and Sensitivity

You can image then my dilemma in putting one thing out there to the world and living something not entirely different, yet feeling that something about me or what I was doing was wrong, bad and simply I was hiding.  If people knew maybe they wouldn’t like me.  I wouldn’t be acceptable.  How could they take me seriously?  Yet you see the fact of the matter is that all of my hiding and the big secret was keeping and has been keeping me from moving forward on my path with Integrity, as I discover and uncover the Wisdom which has always resided within me.  How could I see clearly if there were aspects of myself that I kept hidden?  If I was hiding them that means I wasn’t accepting them.  How could I authentically express myself and my beautiful sensitivity, which is truly a gift?  How could I express myself confidently when I felt that I was a fraud?  Yet deep down I knew I wasn’t.  I was simply not being true to me or my life path.  I was not loving and accepting myself completely and unconditional as I often hear me say to others.  My words lacked Integrity and I doubted the Wisdom within.

For me my whole life has boiled down to a desire to love and be loved.  To give and receive love.  Yet I was denying myself that very thing I spoke of.  So much seems to be coming clear rather suddenly, yet not that sudden at all if you know what I mean.

The year 2012, was a year universally of great shifts.  The message I kept receiving from my guides during meditation was that our light bodies were being activated.  Our DNA was being recoded.  The year 2012 was also a year where although I had been meditating on and off for the last 19 years, I always struggle with whether or not I was doing it right.  I listened to much to other people and for some reason felt that they knew better for me than I did.  Although I had done much inner work over the years.  Thank you 12 steps, for helping me to grow up.  In 2012 I was able to create a space in my life for daily meditation and it is truly thanks to a beautifully gifted light server in Australia who really opened it up for me when she brought me a message about water.  Almost as if my guides whispered to hers saying tell her “yes, she can meditate in water, it is a conduit she will be able to hear us better”. Since that time I have a daily practice of meditation and it has truly opened me up to the wonders of the universe and who I AM in it.  Thanks to Brigit for that beautiful gift and one my heart is so grateful for.

The year 2013 has also started out to be a doozy.  In February I was gifted with an opportunity to create a space that was completely me.  So on February 9, 2013, one year to the date that I started my Wisdom of the Heart Intuitive Healing Facebook page.  Wisdom of the Heart Intuitive Arts Healing Centre was born.  The intention for this space was to create balance between my home and my work life.  It was a place where I could get back to the gateway for me on my spiritual path…yoga.  For a very long time I have been aware that the way my physical body feels is representative of what my emotional and spiritual states are.  I feel most strongly that physical pain within our bodies is merely unreleased / unhealed emotional pain.

Well my physical body was struggling.  I knew my light body had been activated and I knew that my path her in this lifetime was that of a Healer/Spiritual Teacher and yet I lived and inauthentic life.  I was hiding because if people really knew, they wouldn’t approve.

After the healing centre opened and I had yoga classes that were sold out, it looked like everything was coming together.  All the pieces were falling into place.  Then as life would have it hubby and I decided to go head to head.  You see I am a yeller and although I stand strongly behind my convictions and the truth as it resides within me, Sadly my approach and yelling technique never really worked yet, being as passionate as I am I felt this was an effective way to get my point across.  Well, I was wrong.  In the end all that did was to serve as a stepping off point for more less than ideal behaviours and reactions from others.  There is no doubt in my mind that my neighbours have heard my yelling voice. This is not cool and certainly that way of living wasn’t sitting well with me at all.  My physical body was crying out for attention.  Old repressed emotions were dying to be felt, released and healed.  How could I do my work with others, when I myself felt so low?

The answer is surprisingly well, yet the truth really is I was suffering. My secrets and my repressed emotions such as guilt, shame, fear, were all getting in my way. Self-love for the most part was absent, in the ways it really matters.  Although I was still meditation daily, that was about all I was doing.  My eating habits have gotten way off track.  My appetite has decreased yet, I eat more crap.  It has been slowing occurring to me that these are my egos ways of resisting the inevitable change.  I have been holding on for too long to that useless emotion, called guilt.  Although I was always hearing my inner guidance at times I was unwilling to listen.  And even more unwilling to trust and believe in my path.

Just over 2 weeks ago I was guided to make an appointment with a local chiropractor and a fellow hockey mom.  Our boys played on the same team this past winter.  Although I had heard of this lady,  I never before felt guided to see her.  This year when I found out she was the mom of one of the boys on the team, I knew I had to introduce myself and so I did.  That was the beginning of a new friendship in which we have nurture throughout the season.  Through this friendship, many beautiful gifts have been given and received.  Love, acceptance, understanding and compassion lead the procession.

At the time I made the appointment with her, I knew that I was ready.  My physical body although only 42 felt more like 92.  My skin ached to the touch and my hips and shoulders so tight.  I was certainly not the image of the positive effects of yoga.  My practice had fallen to the side.  It was inconsistent.  My body and mind suffered as a result.

As an empath/energy worker, I am very selective who I let into my field.  And even more discerning with those I allow to, connect with me in an energetic way.  So as we did our friendship we allowed the patient/healer relationship to flow as it was meant to.  The thing for me is that I trusted her and knew that she was the one who could help my physical body come back into alignment.  Only 6 visits later and the shift is so huge.  With each adjustment more has been released and I am not longer in chronic pain.  My light shines more brightly now, and I it is with confidence that I walk forward on the path of my heart.  I feel renewed, reborn if you will and man of man has my inner seeing, knowing and hearing amplified.

The message is clear the guidance rather simple.  Love yourself enough to do the work.  Spend time in reflections, silence and allow this time to help you to love and accept who you are right now.

One realization that I have come to is that I do not easily, or at least to this point I have not allowed myself to graciously receive.  My friend the chiropractor has help to teach me this.  I am so grateful for that.

This past weekend I had a real opportunity for inner reflection, and really remembering what truly matters. It is not the size of our house that matters.  It is not the kind of car we drive.  It is not the size of our bank accounts.  It is not the team our children make.  Nope in the big scheme of things these things matter very little.  What matters most is those foundations that we set, those moments that we spend showing someone we care about how much we love them.  It is the realization that life is not perfect, nor are we and really who would want to be.  It is about the realization that as we are we are perfect and beautiful children of God and the Universe.

Now that God and Universe I speak of is not something outside of us.  No dear friends it is all right there inside of you.  We must only be willing to follow the path that is right for us…right now and trust that it is the path we are meant to follow.  It is never about the people in our lives, or our circumstances.  In the end all that truly matters is that we are willing to do what it takes to manifest the life of our dreams.  This is sometime messy work…who wants to let go of blame, guilt and shame if it means we have to look at us.  Well I for one do!!

I was guided to wait until today to record my weekly reading and I was guided to do it outside.  I just felt such overwhelming peace and contentment know that I was just about free.  FREE TO BE ME…habits, secrets and all.  Well there ain’t no more secrets, I have set my soul free to just be the creative healing force it was born to be.

I ask you today that if you must look back in order to heal, do so compassionately and unconditionally forgiving.  Look forward with optimism and focused intentions, yet most important of all find and feel the joy that is available to you in every single day.  Make time for those you love.  Release any unresolved emotion within you as it comes up and if you are unsure how to do this, just keep looking within.  We dear ones are made up of the same stuff…PURE ETERNAL UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU DO MATTERS.

Thank you for allowing me a space where I feel safe enough to share with all of you who I am.  Now wish me luck on breaking this habit that has been long overdue.  I AM OUT OF THE SMOKERS CLOSET and it is time to now release that which no longer serves.  I AM ready!!

Remember please as was said at the beginning take a moment to look at just how far you have come and keep believing in your dreams because they are indeed possible.

Although there have been many times over the last few years that I have just wanted to run and hide.  Walk away, I never did, and today I am so grateful that I didn’t.  I love myself, I love my life and I love each and every experience that I have had that brought me to the beautiful and abundantly blessed place.  My mind, my heart and my arms are open and ready to receive…

Sending you all so much love, light and gratitude, and I am truly honoured to walk this path with you.  Namaste, Lisa xo